Jokes-maybe this will liven up the forum

More
14 Dec 2008 16:31 #20419 by Trevor Lloyd
Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world.
Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe.
In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, and then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties.
For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.
One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains’ quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper, two on two lines: Port Left, Starboard Right

Please Log in to join the conversation.

  • Roger Clark
  • Visitor
  • Visitor
15 Dec 2008 09:34 #16377 by Roger Clark
Replied by Roger Clark on topic Jokes-maybe this will liven up the forum
He had obviously not heard of the phrase <b>"A little red port left in the bottle".</b>

It has reminded me of the following short jokes.

<b>Why could the ship's crew not play cards?</b>
<i>The captain was standing on the deck.</i>

<b>Which is heavier, a full moon or half a moon?</b>
<i>Half a moon.
A full moon is lighter.</i>

<b>If you are in a sailing race and you pass the boat in second place, what place would you now be in?</b>
<i>Bet you said first, wrong you would now be in second.</i>

Finally see if you can work out the answer to this puzzle.

<b>You are on an island in the middle of a lake. The lake is in a remote part of the country and there has never been a bridge connecting the island to the mainland.
Every day a tractor and wagon gives hay rides around the island. Puzzled as to how the tractor had gotten onto the island, you ask around and find out that the tractor was not transported to the island by boat or by air. Nor was it built on the island.
Explain how the tractor got there?</b>

<i>It was driven over in winter when the lake was frozen.</i>

Roger Clark
59725



Edited by - Roger Clark on 15 December 2008 09:35:06

Please Log in to join the conversation.

More
15 Dec 2008 16:48 #16378 by Trevor Lloyd
Great we have started the thread, how about some Christmas jokes. Come on guys this forum needs some life! Here's a couple or three to get you started

And as the reindeer say before they tell you jokes ....
These jokes will sleigh you!

Did Rudolph go to a regular school?
No, he was "elf"-taught!

'Father Christmas has two reindeer. He calls one Edward and the other one Edward! I bet you can't tell me why he does that!'
'Oh, yes I can.' the elf said.
'Because tow 'Eds are better than one, of course!'

Please Log in to join the conversation.

  • Roger Clark
  • Visitor
  • Visitor
15 Dec 2008 17:40 #16379 by Roger Clark
Replied by Roger Clark on topic Jokes-maybe this will liven up the forum
Thought I would add a few more marine riddles before I start Christmas jokes.

<b>In olden days you are a clever pirate charged with treason against the king and sentenced to death. But the king decided to be a little lenient and lets you choose your own way to die. What way should you choose? Remember, you're clever!</b>

<i>I think I would have chosen to die of "old age". Did you?</i>

<b>On a fine sunny day a ship was in the harbour. All of a sudden the ship began to sink. There was no storm and nothing wrong with the ship yet it sank right in front of the spectators eyes.
What caused the ship to sink?</b>

<i>The "Submarine" Captain ordered the crew to dive.</i>

<b>If you wrote all of the sail numbers from 300 to 400 on a piece of paper, how many times would you have written the number 3?</b>

<i>120 times.</i>

<b>For all you racing sailors, which would you rather have: a watch that is right twice a day, or one that is right twice a year?</b>

<i>Bet you said twice a day, well you chose the watch that had stopped. The one that is right twice a year is accurate to 4 minutes per day. </i>

<b>What is it that a racing sailor never wants, yet the racing sailor never likes to lose?</b>

<i>A protest.</i>

<b>It cannot be powered,
It cannot be willed,
It cannot be stopped,
Yet it can be killed.

What is it?</b>

<i>Time.</i>

<b>If a man at the North Pole walked ten miles East, in what direction would he have to travel to return to the North Pole?</b>

<i>Strange as it may seem but you can only walk south from the North Pole, so he could not walk east.
</i>

<b>When set loose I fly away,
Never so cursed as when I go astray.
What am I?</b>

<i>A Fart!
hahahaha...what a stinky riddle!
</i>

Do not be shy, come on and join in the fun that Trello started, get posting your jokes.

Roger Clark
59725

Please Log in to join the conversation.

More
16 Dec 2008 22:24 #16383 by Trevor Lloyd
If people don't start putting up more jokes I'll have to find some really bad ones!

What do Eskimos use to hold their homes together?



Ig-"glue"

Please Log in to join the conversation.

  • Roger Clark
  • Visitor
  • Visitor
17 Dec 2008 12:02 #16384 by Roger Clark
Replied by Roger Clark on topic Jokes-maybe this will liven up the forum
<b>What is brown and sneaks around the kitchen?</b>

<i>Minced spies</i>

<b>Why does Santa like gardening?</b>

<i>He likes to go ho, ho, hoing</i>

<b>What would a reindeer do if it lost its tail?</b>

<i>Go to a re-tail shop</i>

<b>What do you call a reindeer wearing ear muffs?</b>

<i>Anything you want because he cant hear you!</i>

<b>What do you give a reindeer with an upset tummy?</b>

<i>Elk-a-seltzer!</i>

<b>Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?</b>

<i>Because he had a low 'elf'esteem!</i>

<b>How long should an elf's legs be?</b>

<i>Just long enough to reach the ground!</i>

<b>What did the elf say was the first step in using a Christmas computer?</b>

<i>"First, YULE LOGon"!</i>

<b>What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?</b>

<i>It's Christmas, Eve!</i>

<b>How do you make an idiot laugh on Boxing Day ?</b>

<i>Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve! </i>

<b>What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month?</b>

<i>The letter "D"</i>

<b>What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? </b>

<i>There is no 'L' (Noel)</i>



In the lobby of the hotel several chess enthusiasts could be heard bragging, "I could beat Karpov with no problem".
"Oh yeah, I could beat both of them at the same time."
"That's nothing, I could beat both of them blindfolded!"
Finally, the hotel manager had had enough and threw them all out of the hotel.
"But why?" a bystander asked.
"Because," the manager replied "I hate ..."chess nuts boasting by an open foyer!"



A Sunday School teacher was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today ?"

Johnny raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." and Robert, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response.

The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Robert how he knew this, and Robert said, "Well.....every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"


Let me know if you still want more............................


Roger Clark
59725

Please Log in to join the conversation.

  • Roger Clark
  • Visitor
  • Visitor
17 Dec 2008 12:21 #16385 by Roger Clark
Replied by Roger Clark on topic Jokes-maybe this will liven up the forum
Frequently Asked Questions About Christmas


Q: If Santa doesn't have to age, then why has he become old?
A: He only appears to be old. He's an undercover kid.

Q: How can a sleigh possibly fly through the air?
A: If you were being pulled by eight flying reindeer, wouldn't you ly too?

Q: Why do we wish people a "Merry Christmas" instead of a "Happy Christmas"?
A: The two are about the same, but with "Merry Christmas" an extra twinkle is seen in the eyes.

Q: Why is a Christmas tree that has been chopped down called a "live
Christmas tree?"
A: It's dead but doesn't know it, and yet it's having the time of its life.

Q: Why do we wrap our Christmas gifts with paper?
A: Because we like to see surprise and joy (real or kindly faked) in the recipients.

Q: How many gifts can Santa Claus's bag hold?
A: One less than infinity. Why one less? Because there's a limit to everything.

Q: How could a star that is high in the sky lead the Wise Men to a tiny manger on the ground?
A: Wisely, toward the end of their journey they asked directions from someone on the road. Had they not been so wise, they might have missed the manger by several hundred miles. (That person on the road has never been identified.)

Q: Is there really a Mrs. Santa Claus?
A: The best way to know for sure is to ask Santa Claus next time you see him.

Q: Why do we hear so many bells at Christmas time?
A: Because so many people ring them.

Q: Why do so many people ring bells at Christmas time?
A: For the poor, for the joy, and because a bell can say what words can't say.

Q: What can't words say?
A: The moment you wake up on Christmas morning, listen carefully. You may hear then what words can't say.

Please Log in to join the conversation.

  • mike
  • Visitor
  • Visitor
18 Dec 2008 16:40 #16387 by mike
Replied by mike on topic Jokes-maybe this will liven up the forum
<font color=purple>what do you call a blind reindeer?</font id=purple>
<font color=red>no eye deer !</font id=red>

<font color=purple>what do you call a reindeer with no eyes and no legs?</font id=purple>

<font color=red>still no eye deer!</font id=red>

Please Log in to join the conversation.

  • Roger Clark
  • Visitor
  • Visitor
18 Dec 2008 16:51 #16388 by Roger Clark
Replied by Roger Clark on topic Jokes-maybe this will liven up the forum
The final part of Mike's jokes was told to me by a very prim and proper Scottish lady.

What do you call a reindeer with no eyes, no legs and no balls?

Still no f***ing eye deer!


Roger Clark
59725

Please Log in to join the conversation.

  • mike
  • Visitor
  • Visitor
19 Dec 2008 20:02 #16390 by mike
Replied by mike on topic Jokes-maybe this will liven up the forum
<font color=limegreen>i didn't have the guts to say that one roger!</font id=limegreen>

Please Log in to join the conversation.

  • Roger Clark
  • Visitor
  • Visitor
22 Dec 2008 14:24 #16395 by Roger Clark
Replied by Roger Clark on topic Jokes-maybe this will liven up the forum
Christmas Fairies


Once upon a time, in the Christmas Tree Forest there lived the Christmas fairies. They spent most of their time practicing
sitting on top of the Christmas trees. There was just one rule
they had to stick to... it was strictly forbidden for a fairy to
kiss anyone!

The trouble was that Floella was a wicked little fairy. One day
Harry the Hare was hopping through the forest when he saw Floella
sitting on top of a toadstool, combing her hair. Floella said,
"Hello, handsome, give us a kiss!"

Harry the Hare was shocked. "Father Christmas doesn't allow that!"
he gasped. "Anyone caught kissing a fairy will be turned straight
away into Goon!"

But Floella tickled his ears - just the way hares love and
whispered, "Don't worry, we won't get caught!"

Harry the Hare trembled with fear and excitement. He looked
carefully over his furry brown shoulder, saw that no one was
looking ... and kissed Floella the fairy!

Suddenly there was a FLASH, a CRASH and a mighty WHOOSH!!! of
wind. Through the magic of the Christmas Tree Forest Harry the
Hare found himself in the court of Father Christmas! And Father
Christmas was furious! "Harry the Hare! You have been found guilty
of kissing a forest fairy! Have you anything to say?"

"I never meant to!" Harry sniveled. "If you let me off I promise
I'll never do it again just please, please!!! PLEASE!!! don't turn
me into a Goon!"

Father Christmas took pity on the pathetic creature and said,
"I'll give you one more chance, but just one more!"

Again there was a FLASH, a CRASH and a mighty WHOOSH of wind.
Harry the Hare found himself back in the forest.

And there, combing her hair on a toadstool was Floella the Fairy.
"Hiya, handsome," she whispered. "Give us a kiss!"

Harry was horrified! "Certainly not!" he cried.

But when she tickled his ears his legs turned to jelly and he
started to tremble. "Oooh! No! I'll be turned into a Goon!"

"For one little kiss from me it's worth it!" Floella murmured.

And Harry the Hare gave in. He kissed the fairy.

Once more there was a FLASH, a CRASH and a mighty WHOOSH!!! of
wind. And once again Harry the Hare found himself in front of the
now furious Father Christmas!

"You foolish hare!" Father Christmas roared. "You have had your
chance! Guards! Take him away - turn him into a Goon immediately!"

"Please Father Christmas," implored Harry. "Can't my penalty at
least wait until tomorrow? After all, it's Christmas day."

"Very well," answered Father Christmas, "Take him away, but don't
turn him into a Goon until tomorrow!"

Harry the Hare hung his head and let himself be led away. As he
reached the door of the court he turned to all the gnomes and
forest creatures and said tearfully, "Ah, well, that's life! Hare
today ... and Goon tomorrow!"


Roger Clark
59725

Please Log in to join the conversation.

  • Roger Clark
  • Visitor
  • Visitor
24 Dec 2008 12:23 #16399 by Roger Clark
Replied by Roger Clark on topic Jokes-maybe this will liven up the forum
How Jesus Escaped


The Sunday after Christmas, the Sunday School teacher told her
students about an angel appearing to Joseph in a dream, warning
him about danger to the baby Jesus and telling him how to escape
from it.

After the story time, the students were given an opportunity to
draw a picture about the story.

Most of the pictures were predictable, but Larry's had an odd
element in it. "Larry, I see Joseph and Mary with the baby Jesus
on a donkey, but what is that following the donkey?

"It's the flea, teacher."

"Flea...? Ah...what flea?" asked the teacher.

To which the boy faithfully repeated the Bible verse, "Take Mary
and Jesus and flea to Egypt." he said. "There's Mary, there's
Jesus, (and pointing to the picture) there's the flea."


Roger Clark
59725

Please Log in to join the conversation.

  • Roger Clark
  • Visitor
  • Visitor
24 Dec 2008 12:24 #16400 by Roger Clark
Replied by Roger Clark on topic Jokes-maybe this will liven up the forum
Weeweechu


One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung
Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full
moon, when Huan Cho said "Hey baby, let's play Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Jung Lee.

"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and
it's the perfect time," Huan Cho Begged.

"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."

"Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me."

Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu."

Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both sang....."Weeweechu a
Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry
Christmas, and a Happy New Year."



AND SO DO I
Roger Clark
59725

Please Log in to join the conversation.

More
30 Dec 2008 15:40 #16402 by Trevor Lloyd
Blond Detectives

A policeman interrogates three blond's who are training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blond a picture for five seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blond answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well, uh, that's because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for five seconds at the second blond and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blond giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?! Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blond and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blond looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmm - the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspects file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I cant believe it. It's true! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blond replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

Please Log in to join the conversation.

More
11 Jan 2009 20:35 #16420 by Trevor Lloyd
Chemistry & Government

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called Morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called Peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

Please Log in to join the conversation.

Time to create page: 2.702 seconds
Powered by Kunena Forum

Latest forum posts

  • No posts to display.

Forthcoming Events

02 Aug 2020
Brightlingsea Sailing Club
Pyefleet Week
02 Aug 2020
Brightlingsea Sailing Club
Pyefleet Week
02 Aug 2020
Brightlingsea Sailing Club
Pyefleet Week
02 Aug 2020
Brightlingsea Sailing Club
Pyefleet Week
02 Aug 2020
Brightlingsea Sailing Club
Pyefleet Week
02 Aug 2020
Brightlingsea Sailing Club
Pyefleet Week
09 Aug 2020
Clubs in the Falmouth area such as Restronguet SC
Falmouth Week
09 Aug 2020
Salcombe Yacht Club
Salcombe Gin – 2020 Salcombe Yacht Club Regatta
09 Aug 2020
Clubs in the Falmouth area such as Restronguet SC
Falmouth Week
09 Aug 2020
Salcombe Yacht Club
Salcombe Gin – 2020 Salcombe Yacht Club Regatta